(Stay tuned for podcast audio – coming soon! In the meantime, enjoy the episode recap.)

The Bachelor – Episode 2 Recap
Well, it was another “dramatic” – take a drink! – week in Bachelor mansion. #champagnegate had the entire house – and Twitterverse – picking sides between plastic surgery poster child Kelsey and nemesis Hannah Ann over a harmless mix-up, no doubt orchestrated by the show’s producers. But “stealing” someone else’s bubbly wasn’t the only reason we had our eyes on Hannah Ann this week. As a professional model, she had the nerve to beat “shy girl” Victoria F. in a runway walk-off by slapping her with the train of her dress. A crushing defeat for a girl whose self-esteem appears to be hanging by a thread. We’re used to seeing mean girl conflict, but not this early in the season.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Before the group date and “explosive” champagne charade – (we couldn’t resist) – another “shake-up” – (last one, promise) – found its resolution. The episode opens with an anticlimactic finale to Peter’s tearful conversation with the other Hannah (Brown). Once Hannah has finished crying until she looks like the girl from The Grudge – (who makes mascara that water-soluble?), Peter suddenly snaps back to reality and announces, “I can’t do this,” prompting Hannah to go catch a plane to win Dancing with the Stars and, never be heard from again*. *Until the dramatic – take another drink! – season finale when Peter dumps both remaining contestants and asks Chris Harrison to bring her back. (Kerry’s theory, anyway. You read it here first.) 

After cutting the group date short – and taking a tongue-lashing from Natasha, our brave Bachelor manages to make the most of his time with the women at the cocktail party that night by showing off his two moves: dancing something that looks vaguely Latin and setting girls on countertops to make out with them. Swoon.

The episode closes with Peter being asked to referee the “she said/she said” between Hannah Ann and Kelsey. Thinking he’s the first Bachelor ever to be put in this position, Peter is visibly “shook.” (Ok, really. Last pun.) What, oh what, will Peter do?

Based on the above events, Hunter, Cush and Kerry have gone to their respective corners to consult the tea leaves and cast their predictions. How are they doing so far? Here are their accuracy scores based on last week’s predictions and Monday’s rose ceremony outcomes:

(Yes, two dudes who supposedly “don’t watch” are beating Kerry. Yes, Kerry is certain this will change once we get past the rose ceremonies meant to eliminate the women Peter has no intention of ever speaking to.)

Our predictions going into next week’s episode: