Today, we honor our seasonal tradition of breaking down the previous night’s episode of the Bachelor or Bachelorette. At the start gun of what is sure to be “the most dramatic” and short-lived season yet, the gang gathered to watch the premiere as a family – and consume enough wine to fill three recycling bins.

Some things were comfortingly familiar. Hunter comes to the mic, predictably, hungover and bearing his usual mispronunciations of the word “charcuterie.” Cush attends for the food and to pick up his mantle of lead contestant heckler. And Kerry, our resident Bachelor franchise expert, takes the night’s wine and cheese component way too seriously. Along the way, Hunter Cush, Kerry and the rest of the Bachelor-watching squad invent the “‘I’m 39!’ Drinking Game*,” consume enough rosemary-infused Asiago to kill a lactose intolerant army and take real issue with the men’s no socks trend.

*Note: The Brown sisters’ Hallmark Movie version of this game has already been bottled, aged and ready for uncorking the second Halloween is over. Stay tuned.

**SPOILER ALERT** If you haven’t already watched episode one of Clare’s season, we may ruin it for you. On the other hand, if you already planned to skip the premiere because the limo introductions are infamously drawn out and mildly insulting to America’s intelligence… read on. Just don’t miss Chris Harrison’s succinct and reassuring summarization of the pandemic’s effects on our daily lives… and our hopes for finding love behind the mask. [tear]

Ok, let’s get to the good stuff.

Pt. 1: “The Bachelorette, Clare & Char… Char… Coo… Cheeseboard”

Part 2: “Clare: The Drankin’ Game”