The Bachelor – Episode 5 Recap
Pilot Pete isn’t the only one feeling concussed after week five of – wait, what are we watching again? Real Housewives of Detroit?

The team is so sleep-deprived and angry at wasting three hours on a school night on pre-teenage drama that they couldn’t even get through this week’s recap without fighting. Cush is grumpy. Kerry is speechless. Hunter fell asleep.

And they want us to tune in for a bonus episode on Wednesday? What is this, community service?

Nevertheless, we know you, like we, are about as likely to stop watching this garbage as Trump is to shake Nancy Pelosi’s hand at the State of the Union. So, pull a chair into the therapy circle and let’s break down the multitude ways Pilot Pete is failing himself, his sister-wives and America. Along the way, we’ll somehow make Avengers references, poor kissing techniques and phallic candles relevant. (And Hunter and Cush will get into a Tammy-and-Syndey-style altercation that ends in actual couples therapy.)

Let the pain ensue.

Part 1: Thanos’ Glove

Part 2: Tammy

Due to two rose ceremonies in one episode, our prediction accuracy averages will take into account only outcomes from the episode’s first rose ceremony. And therefore our accuracy averages come to:

And are our picks for next week are: